Funny comments from No. 2

These are some of the lyrics to the song, "Last Christmas"...

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

No.2 sings it like this...

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to stop me from having tears
I'll give it to someone special









Mum - "Come on kids, please eat your dinner."

No.2 - "I am eating...I'm shovelling it in!"

No.1's funny answer...

Mum - "Pearl, get off the road, you'll get run over!"

No.1 laughs...

Mum - "You won't be laughing when you get hit by a car and killed."

No.1 - "Yes I will, coz I'll be in Heaven with Jesus!"

Priest blesses Horse

At the local horse races, Monsignor O'Ryan was well known for his punting skills.

One day a Baptist followed the Priest and noted that he often visited the horses before each race and sometimes secretly blessed one.

That horse would then win the race.

Ringing his wife he told her that he was on a sure thing and that he wanted to bet all their money on the last race.

Watching Monsignor carefully he noted which horse was blessed and placed his bet.

The race began, the gates opened, and the horses were off.

Suddenly at the first corner his horse stumbled, fell and died on the track.

At the end of the race, stunned and in shock, he confronts the Priest and says; "Now what will the wife say, I've lost it all, all our savings! That horse should have won - what happened?"

Knowing his religion, the Priest said: "That's the problem with you protestants, you can't tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites!"

"I do know!"

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father, "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy" the young boy replied excitedly:

"It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

Betting

A Scotsman was at McCafe one Friday evening and sat down next to an Irishman.

When the news came on it featured the story of a suicidal man on top of a tall building who was about to jump.

The Scot, being a betting man, said to the other, "I'll bet you $50 that that man on the roof actually jumps."

The Irishman said: "Fine, I bet you he won't."

Some minutes later, the man does jump and dies.

The Scot collects his money and adds: "Let me buy you a Big Mac, since you lost the bet - and to be honest, I had seen the early version of the news and saw him jump then!"

The Irishman replied: "Well, now that you mention it, I saw that too...but I didn't think he would do it a second time!"

Bible Humour

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments" answered the lady.

2 words

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence.
He's allowed to say two words every 7 years.
After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.

He clears his throat and say, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.

"I quit," he says.

"That's not surprising," the elders say. "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

It's all in the Punctuation!

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote:
"Women, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote:
"Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

The good & the bad

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.
So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.
The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

No?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either....